Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.