[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient