Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?