Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*