Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately