Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
mood
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.