What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍