[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.