AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
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Today’s Times
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
? 💀
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no