i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Just a phase…
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.