[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
#SCOTUS one-star review
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
S/o to @funTweeters .
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!