That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?