ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“We will wed,” I threatened
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.