That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.