listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
when there are deer in the woods
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I wanna be friends with this person
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick