True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Pot warmers of the day.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The Compass
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?