I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.