The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.