“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down