don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns