#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”