It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
You Might Also Like
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
There is no “ea” in Tim.