I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
adding to the discourse
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.