Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
You Might Also Like
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
🔦🌙👣
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Today’s Times
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.