Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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Hank is one in a melon.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.