*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
What a website
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
opening twitter today
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.