Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism