why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
who did the taste test?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.