[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Bring back the McRib
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week