*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.