Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
This forever.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.