Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
#parenting
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.