penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-