Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The photographer’s assistant
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“you recording!?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB