An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die