Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You Might Also Like
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
This could’ve been an email.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.