Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Lassie, get help!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.