My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.