Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
i can’t wait that long
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me too 😆
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.