My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
You Might Also Like
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
fixed it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?