Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off