the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
There’s only one good girl here!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]