Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?