And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
the best thing i’ve ever made
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months