A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Finally, a door that understands me