Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
…u ok Nintendo?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.