Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Always…
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?