*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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time for some seasonal decor
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
twitter is a journey
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My Plans 2020