Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.