2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
This rocks
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything